ROAD TO WELLEVILLE / A SONIC PATH TO THE PLAYOFFS
Well,here I am waiting for Nurse Ratchett to bring my medicine. She is SUCH a nice lady. Wally comes to visit often. He brings coffee, but they won't let me drink it. I have papered one wall with the coupons he gives me. They are very pretty.

Last night I had an epiphany. It was very reassuring. Howard was in it, dressed in a puce, double breasted Armani number. The lower half of his body was partially obscured by clouds as if from a dry ice machine. He spoke in a deep voice like Gerald Wallace. I knew I could trust him.

He said it would soon be clear to all of us. I'm not sure what exactly it is that will be clear. He didn't really say. But I'm sure it will be clear, nonetheless. Maybe it has something to do with the arena. Just so long as it's not more coffee.

We don't have cable here, but Wally says he's working on it. They censor the sports section, but sometimes Wally tells me about the games. Like Vin's two triple-doubles this week against Boston & Sacramento. Who woulda thunk it? And those monster dunks! I wish I could've seen Divac's face when he slammed over him; primal scream & all! I'll be OK, I just know it. Especially if they keep playing like this. It makes me want to get better.

One of the other patients told me Wally is lying to me; that Vin isn't even playing cuz he's injured. What does HE know? Wally wouldn't lie to me. Why would Wally lie to me? Wally is my friend. He told me I could drive his Mercedes when I get out.

I want to thank Jay, Tom, Kevin, & Jim for the valentines. I had hoped to make some in return, but they said no sharp instruments. I can paint, but they don't like me using too much red for some reason. Makes valentines difficult.

Ah, Nurse R. is here. She's so pretty. It's time for my medication now, so that I can rest. I like to rest. Rest is good. Sleep is even better.

Ed. Note: SonicsCentral takes no responsibility for the veracity of Heavy's musings. In his delirious state, anything is possible. Because of his limited lucidity, once we discovered another ardent Sonic booster in residence at the "yellow submarine room" of the asylum, we sent picknshovel over to interview him. Below are some short comments with Heavy & the results of that unusual interview. Any resemblance to any person marginally living or dead in these writings is purely coincidental.

Pick: How ya doin', Heavy?
Heavy: How YOU doin'?
Pick: Uh Heavy, we're not in N.Y.
Heavy: Oh, where are we?
Pick: We're in the hospital, Heavy.
Heavy: Are you hurt?
Pick: No, you are Heavy.
Heavy: I am? What's wrong?

We were only able to talk with Heavy for a short time longer before his medication kicked in & he became even MORE incomprehensible. So we moved immediately to speak with another Sonic booster in the long term unit of the asylum. This rather outspoken Vin Baker backer is notorious in the P-I forum as completely intransigent in his unabashed admiration for the Doughboy. We found him knitting doilies.

Pick: Mr.Imskatinonthinice, what can we call you for short?
Ice: Ice, dude.
Pick: "Icedude"?
Ice: No, just ice, man. Like I'm chillin' in my crib.
Pick: OK, "Iceman" it is.
Ice: You people just won't give Vin a chance, will you?
Pick: Excuse me?
Ice: I'm cool with that; Ice cool.
Pick: OK, er . . . "Ice Cool". What's your take on the Sonics finally getting the home court monkey off their backs & blowing out Boston, arguably one of the better teams in the Eastern conference, by 20 points?
Ice: It's just one game. They probably would have won by 30 if Vin had played. Boston has no answer for Vin.
Pick: O.K. Well what about the game with Sacramento then?
Ice: Just another game. The Lakers have won without Shaq & Sacramento has won without Webber; why should anyone be surprised that we can win without Vin?
Pick: Well actually many of us aren't, but didn't you say in the P-I Forum that the big difference between those teams & the Sonics was that we just didn't have championship caliber players on our team besides Vin?
Ice: Yes, that's correct -- except maybe Gary.
Pick: So your point is?
Ice: Vin is a large part of this team's success. Without him we have no low post presence. You Vin bashers can't admit how good he's doing this year -- you have to keep bringing up the last couple of years.
Pick: We haven't said a thing yet.
Ice: Well you were probably thinking it. The point is Vin's game is much better now, & if we take him out of there, who do we have that's better?
Pick: Well we . . .
Ice: You never want to answer that question, do you?
Pick: Well we've talked about . . .
Ice: The fact is there just IS'NT anybody better than Vin, is there?
Pick: Let's switch the subject . . .
Ice: Yeah, switch the subject. That's what you always do when you don't have an answer.
Pick: Jerome James has had three big rebounding games in a row now, averaging over 18 rebounds/48 minutes in that stretch. After the Lakers game you blew off Blaine Newnham for suggesting that James was more productive than was Vin in their equal floor time. What do you have to say about that now?
Ice: I've told you before, Vin is a low post scoring machine! Rebounding is not his strength.
Pick: Really? How about the fact that we had back to back 30 assist nights? 60 assists against Boston & Sacramento, while Vin only averages 1.5/game. Do you find that impressive?
Ice: Vin rarely gets credit for good passes. If he kicks it out & the guy misses the shot -- no assist. Vin has found he's better off just taking the shot himself. And they always quit going to him in the second half anyway, so what exactly do assists have to do with Vin?
Pick: Exactly.
Ice: Huh?
Pick: What about the fact that we out rebounded Boston 47-41 & Sacramento 48-35?
Ice: You just don't get it, do you? How many times do I have to tell you that rebounding is NOT Vin's game. Besides, Boston was probably tired from playing Portland the night before, & we were fouling Sacramento so much, they didn't even have a chance to rebound. How can you rebound when you're at the foul line all night?
Pick: Well bottom line is Seattle is now 9-3 in games that Vin doesn't play, equal to the best winning percentage in the league. For what must be the 10th time by now, how do you explain that?
Ice: Seattle obviously had to step it up a notch with their former all-star out of the games. But there's no way they'll be able to maintain that pace over the course of the season.
Pick: I see. That's reasonable enough. Brent Barry is shooting about 65% in those games. If Vin makes everyone around him a better player, as you've stated many times, why is Bones shooting 20% better in games when Vin's not in there?
Ice: You just don't listen to me,do you? Barry is known for disappearing in games -- it's not Vin's fault. We're probably winning all these games simply because Brent is playing better. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? How can it be Vin's fault that Bones doesn't show up for every game? Do I have to explain everything to you?
Pick: Apparently so. Seattle had only 12 turnovers against Boston & 14 against Sacramento. Vin alone had four in one half against the Lakers. Is there an explanation for why we turn the ball over less when Vin isn't in there?
Ice: Vin gets called for lots of turnovers that aren't his fault. Somebody makes a bad pass & he strains to get a hand on it. Since he touched it last, guess who gets called for the turnover? And sometimes the referees just call 'em differently.
Pick: Indeed. So it sounds like you're saying that even though we have a much worse record with Vin in there, he bears none of the blame?
Ice: Absolutely not. Vin is playing much better ball this year, & if some people aren't able to see it, that's THEIR problem.
Pick: And the fact that he's injured so much -- just bad luck?
Ice: Exactly.Has he ever had ankle,knee, shoulder, toe, neck, eye, & thumb injuries all in one season before? Of course not. Maybe a ticky tack injury here and there, but nothing like this.
Pick: A veritable plethora, eh?
Ice: Say what? What very few people realize is that if you compute Vin's age from conception, the stars are definitely aligned against him this year.
Pick: Isn't his father a minister?
Ice: What if he is?
Pick: Well, I was just wondering if his religion dates age from conception, or is that something you came up with on your own?
Ice: Many countries do that, you know.
Pick: Which ones?
Ice: Can we just talk about basketball? You always want to get off on these tangents that have nothing to do with the subject at hand.
Pick: Uh huh. So you'd start Vin if we make the playoffs?
Ice: That's a no brainer, like most of my answers.
Pick: Even if he's not completely healthy?
Ice: It depends on what you mean by "completely healthy".
Pick: Even if it resulted in us losing because Vin wasn't healthy, you'd STILL start him?
Ice: Why can't you guys get off Vin's back? Forget the last two years. He used to be an all-star. Give the man his due.
Pick: Even if we lose because of it?
Ice: It won't be Vin's fault.
Pick: Iceguy, tell us why you think you're in here.
Ice: They say I'm schizophrenic, but if Vin were here, he'd tell you I'm just fine.
Pick: Are you related?
Ice: Not that I know of.
Pick: But it's a possibility?
Ice: Highly unlikely.
Pick: You just really like him a lot?
Ice: Doesn't everyone?
Pick: Well, actually, NO.
Ice: You guys are all just down on him because he's injured.
Pick: He HAS missed quite a few games, ya know?
Ice: The guy is NOT soft, I tell you. He'd be out there in a cast if they'd let him!
Pick: He would?
Ice: Darned right. Like the night he got his eye scratched & he wouldn't even let them put stitches in.
Pick: You mean the night he got the butterfly bandage on his eyebrow & watched the rest of the game from the bench?
Ice: That's the one. Most guys would have had stitches put in & stayed in the lockeroom. But Vin sucked it up & showed the team he was ready to play if needed.
Pick: Didn't we lose that game?
Ice: Well if we did, it certainly wasn't Vin's fault. He can't do it all by himself.

At this point the tape recorder ran out of tape unbeknownst to our interviewer. While it would be possible to piece the remaining parts of the interview together from memory, in the name of accuracy, we are letting it stand as is.

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